The Strangest Wars in History
“There never was a good war or a bad peace,” Benjamin Franklin wrote in 1783. Wise words indeed, and very true. Unfortunately, humans too often find themselves at war, as millennia of conflict can attest — the earliest known war was in Sudan a staggering 13,400 years ago.
Among the many wars fought in human history, some stand out for their peculiar nature, whether due to the strange events that provoked the conflict or for the lack of any actual fighting. Here are 10 of the strangest wars in history, from the 14th century to modern times.
The War of the Oaken Bucket
The War of the Oaken Bucket certainly has one of the strangest names in the history of conflict, and it does involve a bucket — just not as prominently as the myth would suggest. According to legend, the war began one night in 1325 after soldiers from Modena crept into Bologna and stole the oaken pail from the municipal well. In reality, the war was the culmination of ongoing tensions that had existed between the Italian city-states for 300 years. There was a bucket involved, but not until the end of the conflict, when Modenese soldiers took the municipal bucket as a trophy of war.
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The Three Hundred and Thirty-Five Years' War
In 1651, the Netherlands decided to get involved in the English Civil War between the Royalists and Parliamentarians. During the whole messy affair, the Dutch sent a fleet of 12 warships to the Isles of Scilly, an archipelago off the southwestern tip of Cornwall, to demand reparations from the Royalists, who had been raiding Dutch shipping lanes. Their demands were ignored, at which point the Dutch declared war on the Isles of Scilly. The Dutch hung around for three months and then abandoned the fruitless conflict and sailed home. But they forgot one thing: to declare peace with the Isles of Scilly. The bloodless war technically lasted for 335 years until anyone saw fit to formally sign a peace treaty, which finally happened in 1986. It remains, arguably at least, one of the longest wars in history (the shortest, in contrast, lasted just 38 minutes).
War of Jenkins' Ear
In 1738, British merchants were increasingly protesting over Spanish control how the Spanish Guarda Costa (coast guard) was treating their trading ships in the Americas. The mood in Britain was that the Spanish needed to be taught a lesson. Enter Captain Robert Jenkins, a Welsh mariner who, in 1731, had his ear cut off by overzealous Spanish coast guards when they searched his ship for contraband. Seven years after that incident, Jenkins was called to appear in the House of Commons in London, where, according to some accounts, he presented his preserved ear, much to the outrage of the gathered assembly. The British public soon became aware of this episode, further stoking anti-Spanish fervor and helping to pave the way for a full-scale war that began in 1739 and ended in 1748.
The Kettle War
The Kettle War was a bizarre conflict that, in truth, was more of an international incident than a war. In 1784, the Holy Roman Empire and the Dutch Republic were squabbling over access to the ports of Antwerp and Ghent in Belgium. In a show of force, the Holy Roman emperor dispatched three vessels, led by his magnificent warship Le Louis, to seize control of the Dutch port at Amsterdam. The Dutch were waiting with their own smaller ships. When the enemy approached, their lead ship, the Dolfijn, fired a single shot that ricocheted off a kettle on the deck of the Le Louis. This terrified the ship’s incompetent captain, who immediately surrendered, handing victory — and the emperor’s flagship — to the Dutch.
The Pastry War
In the early 1830s, a French pastry cook living in Tacubaya, near Mexico City, claimed that some Mexican army officers had damaged and looted his restaurant. He appealed to the king of France, demanding compensation, and in doing so, unwittingly helped launch a war. The pastry cook’s complaint prompted France to press Mexico for the grand sum of 600,000 pesos in compensation. In November 1838, with the Mexican president yet to make any payments, France sent a fleet to Veracruz, the principal port on the Gulf of Mexico. The French bombarded the fortress of San Juan de Ulúa, and Mexico declared war on France. But before the crisis could escalate any further, Britain stepped in and negotiated a peace treaty. The French forces withdrew in March 1839. The pastry cook, meanwhile, never saw a single peso from Mexico, which never paid the compensation — a fact that was later used by France to justify the second French intervention in Mexico, in 1861.
The Pig War
The Oregon Treaty of 1846 settled long-standing border disputes between the U.S. and British North America (present-day Canada). Even on the strategically important island of San Juan in Washington state, which remained contested, the British and American settlers seemed to be getting along. But then, on June 15, 1859, an American farmer named Lyman Cutlar shot a British pig that had wandered onto his land and was eating his potatoes. Things escalated quickly, and the local Americans requested U.S. military protection. A 66-person company of the U.S. 9th Infantry was sent to San Juan. In response, the British sent three warships. Then came a voice of reason in the guise of Admiral Robert L. Baynes, commander in chief of the British navy in the Pacific. He refused to engage any further, stating that he would not “involve two great nations in a war over a squabble about a pig.” So ended the Pig War, with only one casualty: the unfortunate pig.
The Town of Líjar Versus France
In 1883, the tiny town of Líjar in Andalusia, Spain, declared war against the entire military might of France. Líjar’s mayor was apparently infuriated by some news he had heard, and immediately called a town meeting to discuss the matter. He explained the situation as follows: “Our King Alfonso [of Spain], when passing through Paris on the 29th day of September was stoned and offended in the most cowardly fashion by miserable hordes of the French nation.” The town council approved the mayor’s war motion, and Líjar duly announced its decision to the Spanish government and the president of the French Republic. Then, nothing happened — until, 100 years later, the town decided to formally end its war with France, with very little fanfare outside of Líjar, because everyone else had forgotten the war ever started.
War of the Stray Dog
Following decades of territorial disputes, tensions were already running high between Greece and Bulgaria in 1925 — and then a dog sparked a war. It all began when the dog ran across the border between Greece and Bulgaria. His owner, a Greek soldier, ran after the dog, and was promptly shot by the Bulgarians. The ensuing diplomatic chaos resulted in a brief invasion of Bulgaria by Greece, known as the War of the Stray Dog or the Incident at Petrich, which lasted 10 days and resulted in at least 50 casualties. The fate of the dog remains unknown.
The Great Emu War
In 1932, a marauding horde of emus arrived in Western Australia, where they began destroying crops and causing general havoc. Farmers petitioned the government for help to combat the mob, which totaled at least 20,000 flightless birds. In response, Major G.P.W. Meredith of the Australian army was sent to the region in command of a small group of soldiers armed with Lewis light machine guns and 10,000 rounds of ammunition. Things didn’t go well. The emus were tougher, faster, and more intelligent than expected, and it took 2,500 rounds of ammunition to fell just 200 of the birds. The “war” was eventually abandoned, with the emus victorious.
The Whisky War
For half a century, Denmark and Canada were engaged in what must be one of the friendliest wars of all time. It all started in the 1970s, when the two nations were deliberating over their Arctic boundaries, including a small, desolate chunk of rock called Hans Island. No one could really agree on how to divide Hans, so it remained in rather unimportant limbo. Then, in 1984, some Canadian soldiers landed on the rock and promptly planted a maple leaf flag and left a bottle of whisky before returning home. In response, Denmark flew a representative out to the island, who replaced the flag with the Danish flag, leaving a bottle of schnapps and a note that read “Welcome to Danish Island.” The Whisky War had begun in earnest. This amicable conflict continued for 50 years, with the regular exchange of flags, notes, and bottles of booze. Finally, in 2022, Denmark and Canada struck a deal over the tiny, uninhabited Arctic island, ending the Whisky War for good.
