6 Surprising Etiquette Rules From the Past
The concept of etiquette dates back to Europe during the medieval era, when rules and social conventions first gained prominence. During the Renaissance, expectations of behavior at royal and noble courts were outlined in courtesy books, or books of manners. In the 19th century, etiquette manuals continued to flourish in Europe and the United States, guiding behavior for ladies and gentlemen in both social and professional settings. By the early 20th century, these guidebooks were increasingly popular with both wealthy and middle-class women in the U.S., and author Emily Post became the definitive expert with the publication of her first book of etiquette in 1922.
Today, the rules of behavior observed by previous generations might seem old-fashioned and strange, and certainly there are some social conventions better left in the past, as they reflect the inequality and biases of bygone eras. But etiquette itself isn't inherently outdated. While specific customs may evolve, the underlying principles of courtesy, respect, and consideration for others remain as relevant today as they were a century or two ago. With that in mind, here are some of the most unusual and surprising etiquette rules from decades past.
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A Respectful Wife Deferred to Her Husband
According to Vogue’s Book of Etiquette, published in 1948, wives should defer to one’s husband as “head of the house.” By not paying proper respect to their husbands, the thinking went, bad-mannered American wives were placing their husbands in a subordinate position, which was “most unbecoming to a man.” Among the suggestions for being a better wife were to say “we” or “our” instead of “I” or “me,” and to let one’s husband take the lead on deciding when to leave a party. Reflecting the often oppressive gender norms of the era, the guide reminds wives that “a woman can gracefully play second fiddle, but a man who is obviously subordinated to a dominating woman is a pathetic and foolish figure.”
There Should Be One Servant for Every Two Dinner Guests
The anonymous countess who authored the 1870 etiquette book Mixing in Society: A Complete Manual of Manners declares, “It is impossible to over-estimate the importance of dinners.” She goes on to detail the many aspects of planning and hosting a dinner party. In addition to having an equal number of ladies and gentlemen at a dinner (and never 13, out of respect for superstitious guests), the hostess should make sure to have “one servant to every two guests, or, at least, one to every three.”
A Man Was Expected to Choose His Riding Companion’s Horse
Published in 1883, American Etiquette and Rules of Politeness outlines the rules for men going horseback riding with a woman, noting that the gentleman should “be very careful in selecting her horse, and should procure one that she can easily manage.” He is also admonished to “trust nothing to the stable men, without personal examination,” and to “be constantly on the lookout for anything that might frighten the lady’s horse.”
The Most Important Rule for Children Was Obedience
In 1922, Emily Post published her first book of good manners, Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home. It offered more than 600 pages of rules and standards, from how to make introductions to proper behavior when traveling abroad. No one was exempt from learning and practicing proper etiquette, including children. “No young human being, any more than a young dog, has the least claim to attractiveness unless it is trained to manners and obedience,” Post states in the chapter “The Kindergarten of Etiquette.” In addition to learning how to properly use a fork and knife and remaining quiet while adults are speaking, a child should be taken away “the instant it becomes disobedient,” directs Post. By teaching a child that it can’t “‘stay with mother’ unless it is well-behaved,” she writes, “it learns self-control in babyhood.”
Flirting Was a Sign of Ill Breeding
Published in 1892, the guidebook Etiquette: Good Manners for All People; Especially for Those “Who Dwell Within the Broad Zone of the Average,” focused on advice for middle-class Americans, and not just wealthy society. The book describes itself as offering “some of the fundamental laws of good behavior in every-day life” for “people of moderate means and quiet habits of living.” In the chapter on “Gallantry and Coquetry,” readers are reminded that there is nothing wrong with a man enjoying the company of a charming woman, or a woman delighting in the conversation of a brilliant man. However, these acts of mutual appreciation have “nothing in common with the shallow travesty of sentiment that characterizes a pointless flirtation.” Not only is flirting a sign of poor breeding, the guide suggests, but “a married flirt is worse than vulgar.”
A Man Couldn’t Speak to a Woman Unless She Spoke to Him First
During England’s Victorian era in the 19th century, women had “the privilege of recognizing a gentleman” first by acknowledging him with a bow, according to the 1859 British handbook The Habits of Good Society: A Handbook of Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen. Men were expected to wait for that acknowledgment before speaking. “No man may stop to speak to a lady until she stops to speak to him,” the book advises. The guidelines go on to say, “The lady, in short, has the right in all cases to be friendly or distant. Women have not many rights; let us gracefully concede the few that they possess.”
